Dad just dropped by. He has started to write his life story and didn't know how much detail to go into. He was asking the kids what they wanted to read about in his history. I'm not sure they care. To kids last week is ancient history.
When I was in college I lived with my grandfather Moulton for a year. He told me some of his life stories. I listened and most of them were interesting, but I could have asked for more. I didn't. Now, I wish I had the opportunity to ask hundreds of questions. I have recorded much of what I remember, but so much is lost forever.
My other grandfather used to call me almost daily to talk when I was a new wife and mother. We lived close enough that the calls were local (which meant free). This was long before unlimited minutes. We could talk as long as I had time to listen. I am embarrassed to admit it, but some days I wouldn't answer the phone to avoid his calls. I had trouble with some of his racist ideas and talk of conspiracies. He also told me stories from his past. I still need to write those down. They were more trivial and he repeated them so many times that I was certain I would never forget. He talked about day to day life. Many of his stories revolved around growing up. Once again, the chance to ask questions is gone. I was so busy changing diapers and running a home that I didn't think that there would come a day that he would be gone.
I am glad that Dad is writing his history. I wish my grandfathers had taken the time to write as well as tell me about their lives. It's a heavy burden to be the one responsible for keeping their stories. I will be grateful to hear about my Dad's life and also my Mom's life through my Dad. She never seemed to tell us any stories from her life. I think to her the past was best forgotten. She seemed insecure with her capabilities and embarrassed by her mistakes. She wasn't proud of her family growing up. Even her handwriting bothered her. By the time we realized that we were losing her, it was too late, her memories had become confused. More than anyone I feel the loss of her stories.
For me, I hope that my patchy journals will be left to tell my posterity who I was. Today, I hope that this blog can tell my family who I am and in the future it will tell the stories they want to read.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
A Happy Heart
Yesterday I went to Relief Society Meeting. Faye Flame was speaking about staying spiritually healthy. We were talking about how this effects our lives especially moment to moment. I felt prompted to share a small moment that happened yesterday. I was sewing new valances for the living room and I was in a hurry to finish before the children came home from school. In my haste, I knocked over the tin full of pins. I looked at the mess on the floor and decided it was an opportunity. I called out, "Hey, John grab a magnet and come here!" He came and I showed him how to pick up the pins with it. He was excited to help and said "Mom, this is a really great idea!" The rest of the project was one of those great bonding times. John snipped threads and took pins out of my sewing. When I had nothing else he could do I gave him a wash cloth, a needle and thread so he could sew to his heart's content. This morning he noticed a hole in the knee of his jeans. As soon as Sesame Street is over he wants to sew them. I'll let him, but I don't think he will be wearing them in public.
The peace that comes with a more spiritual outlook can change everything. I think back to how I grew weary of dirty diapers when I was new mom. After 24 years of dirty diapers they don't seem like such a big deal any more. It is the change in thinking from,"Not another one, I hate this!" to "Let's get you cleaned up so you can be more comfortable." I hope I am teaching my children a better attitude about the little unpleasant things in life. It seems as though most of those revolve around cleaning something.
Lydia thinks cleaning up is great but she's only 18 months old. By the time she gets really good at it, it will probably loose some of it's appeal. I kept her happy through Tyler's graduation ceremony by giving her baby wipes to clean the seats and floor. Helping with the dishes and laundry are also favorite pastimes.
Those are never ending chores for me. I don't think it is possible to get every dirty dish in the house washed, or every piece of laundry done. I am dealing with too many people. I used to hate those chores as well. Having a dishwasher, a large capacity washing machine and efficient dryer have helped my attitude, but even with those I could choose to think of them as the ball and chain in my life. Enlisting the children's help lessens the load, but there are times that they don't have the time to pitch in. A deep breath, roll up my sleeves and plunge in. You can't finish until you've begun. Hey, I've done harder things than this before. Why be miserable? There is no way I can help smiling through the chores while watching a toddler giggle every time she drops a shirt in the washer or seeing a preschooler burrow into a pile socks. It's the people that make life joyful.
The peace that comes with a more spiritual outlook can change everything. I think back to how I grew weary of dirty diapers when I was new mom. After 24 years of dirty diapers they don't seem like such a big deal any more. It is the change in thinking from,"Not another one, I hate this!" to "Let's get you cleaned up so you can be more comfortable." I hope I am teaching my children a better attitude about the little unpleasant things in life. It seems as though most of those revolve around cleaning something.
Lydia thinks cleaning up is great but she's only 18 months old. By the time she gets really good at it, it will probably loose some of it's appeal. I kept her happy through Tyler's graduation ceremony by giving her baby wipes to clean the seats and floor. Helping with the dishes and laundry are also favorite pastimes.
Those are never ending chores for me. I don't think it is possible to get every dirty dish in the house washed, or every piece of laundry done. I am dealing with too many people. I used to hate those chores as well. Having a dishwasher, a large capacity washing machine and efficient dryer have helped my attitude, but even with those I could choose to think of them as the ball and chain in my life. Enlisting the children's help lessens the load, but there are times that they don't have the time to pitch in. A deep breath, roll up my sleeves and plunge in. You can't finish until you've begun. Hey, I've done harder things than this before. Why be miserable? There is no way I can help smiling through the chores while watching a toddler giggle every time she drops a shirt in the washer or seeing a preschooler burrow into a pile socks. It's the people that make life joyful.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Tears
As a child I had been taught not to cry. As an adult I seldom cried. Then my mother passed away 7 months ago and I felt as though part of my personality changed dramatically. I was often crying. Not just about my mother, but over anything touching, or sad. I kept wondering if this was something permanent or temporary. If it was temporary how long would it last, six months, one year? Is this just part of the grieving process? Recently, I felt as though this phase of my life was ending and I was returning to who I was. I was still a little more sensitive which was probably good, but my reactions were not as dramatic and tearful as they were a few months ago. Yesterday changed everything.
Bill's funeral was yesterday. I went alone. Roy couldn't get off time from his new job and the children didn't feel as though they could miss school. Audrey was off work but she had a paper to write so she stayed home with the little ones. I thought that would be fine I often go places alone and there would be plenty of friends I could sit with. I wasn't prepared for what I experienced.
The first person I saw when I walked into the building was Kathy Jones. I hadn't seen her since my mother died. She helped by sister and I dress my mother for her burial. That started the thoughts and emotions flowing. I then walked into the room for the viewing. Teri (one of Bill's daughters) grabbed me into a big bear hug and sobbed. Then came her daughter Sarah, red eyed and tearful needing a hug as well. I hugged Chris the daughter who lives across the street and then Sadie. I looked around the room full of his family. People I have known and loved for 13 years. I saw a son of one of Bill's sons who is in the Army and is home from Iraq temporarily. He used to sleep over with my son. Another grandson went to school with my son. Jordan was there with his younger siblings and his dad and mom. She was in high school when we moved in. I watched him for a day shortly after he was born. Now he is friends with one of my younger sons. Other children and grandchildren were there who would come over to play and we would see at weddings and graduations. We have a long close relationship with this family. I would miss Bill, but I ached for their loss. They were feeling so much pain.
I didn't lose it until I walked out into the foyer and say Alice there. She works for the funeral home and was there for everything when my Mom died. I stared to sob not just for Bill and his family but for me and my family. For my little children who will never remember their grandma. For my children in the middle who don't remember her the way she was before the dementia. For all of us who miss her and all of us who will miss him. I grabbed the tissues and thought, maybe this change in me is temporary and permanent. On a daily basis I will cry less and little things will effect me less, like my old self, but my heart is forever changed to be more sensitive. I suppose only time will tell.
Bill's funeral was yesterday. I went alone. Roy couldn't get off time from his new job and the children didn't feel as though they could miss school. Audrey was off work but she had a paper to write so she stayed home with the little ones. I thought that would be fine I often go places alone and there would be plenty of friends I could sit with. I wasn't prepared for what I experienced.
The first person I saw when I walked into the building was Kathy Jones. I hadn't seen her since my mother died. She helped by sister and I dress my mother for her burial. That started the thoughts and emotions flowing. I then walked into the room for the viewing. Teri (one of Bill's daughters) grabbed me into a big bear hug and sobbed. Then came her daughter Sarah, red eyed and tearful needing a hug as well. I hugged Chris the daughter who lives across the street and then Sadie. I looked around the room full of his family. People I have known and loved for 13 years. I saw a son of one of Bill's sons who is in the Army and is home from Iraq temporarily. He used to sleep over with my son. Another grandson went to school with my son. Jordan was there with his younger siblings and his dad and mom. She was in high school when we moved in. I watched him for a day shortly after he was born. Now he is friends with one of my younger sons. Other children and grandchildren were there who would come over to play and we would see at weddings and graduations. We have a long close relationship with this family. I would miss Bill, but I ached for their loss. They were feeling so much pain.
I didn't lose it until I walked out into the foyer and say Alice there. She works for the funeral home and was there for everything when my Mom died. I stared to sob not just for Bill and his family but for me and my family. For my little children who will never remember their grandma. For my children in the middle who don't remember her the way she was before the dementia. For all of us who miss her and all of us who will miss him. I grabbed the tissues and thought, maybe this change in me is temporary and permanent. On a daily basis I will cry less and little things will effect me less, like my old self, but my heart is forever changed to be more sensitive. I suppose only time will tell.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Bad News
I've talked about my neighbors the Hands and their daughter and son-in-law, the Orsers, who also live on the street. Today, Chris Orser came over with surprising news. Her father, Bill Hand died last night in his sleep. He was visiting his son in Las Vegas. His daughters had been taking shifts staying with Sadie while he was gone. We knew his health had declined some in the last few months but everyone expected Sadie would go first. She has congestive heart failure as well as the dementia and she has just seemed so much slower and less healthy then Bill.
Their granddaughter called me in tears this afternoon. She lives in Utah with her new husband. She is very like a daughter to us. Death has never touched someone she loves before. I am glad she has her husband to lean on right now. She is such a sensitive soul. Last summer she was heart broken dealing with being separated from her fiance for 3 months. It will be nice to see her soon I just wish it was for a happier reason.
My own children have cried as well. The Hands have been our neighbors for 13 years. Many of them don't remember life before them. Bill has helped them make bird houses, pinewood derby cars and other wooden creations. He has brought over vegetables from his garden and helped us prune trees and remove bushes. We have seen him everyday out walking with his dog and after she died walking with his wife. He played with the children and greeted us all at church on Sundays. He seemed rough at first but he was one of the hardest working selfless people you could ever meet and neighbors were extended family to him.
First my mother and now Bill. The last six months have made the world a lonelier place.
Their granddaughter called me in tears this afternoon. She lives in Utah with her new husband. She is very like a daughter to us. Death has never touched someone she loves before. I am glad she has her husband to lean on right now. She is such a sensitive soul. Last summer she was heart broken dealing with being separated from her fiance for 3 months. It will be nice to see her soon I just wish it was for a happier reason.
My own children have cried as well. The Hands have been our neighbors for 13 years. Many of them don't remember life before them. Bill has helped them make bird houses, pinewood derby cars and other wooden creations. He has brought over vegetables from his garden and helped us prune trees and remove bushes. We have seen him everyday out walking with his dog and after she died walking with his wife. He played with the children and greeted us all at church on Sundays. He seemed rough at first but he was one of the hardest working selfless people you could ever meet and neighbors were extended family to him.
First my mother and now Bill. The last six months have made the world a lonelier place.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Easter Week
I have been blogging later and later in the week. It's good the semester is almost over or I might start running into the next week. I thought this week would be easier than the last but I forgot how draining it is when someone has surgery. Roy had a deviated septum repair and two nasal polyps removed this week. That took my whole day Thursday and Friday. I had saved my peer reviews to do while he was in the operating room and that was good to have something to concentrate on. Otherwise, I might have worried the whole time. I think that has been one of the positive side effects of me going to school. My life is not entirely wrapped up in my family so I have something else to concentrate on. School kept me from obsessing when my Mother was sick and dieing too. I had other things to focus on.
It's Easter Saturday. The kids are outside running off their sugar high. We do baskets of goodies and our egg hunt today to help us focus on the importance of Easter on Sunday. Last night we dyed eggs at 9:00pm. That was too late for me to be genuinely patient with small children but we were up against a deadline and all my big people were out of the house. Ryan and Audrey were at a party and Tyler, Neal and Melissa were at another party. Finally, Roy was recuperating in bed, but that doesn't change much he has never participated in egg dying. Blake (age 12) was the oldest at home and little Lydia (1 yr) was trying to crack them all. I think it has been 12 years since there have only been 6 kids home coloring eggs. Even so we all 6 colors going constantly.
I am speaking in church tomorrow. I wasn't sure I would have time to properly prepare but Roy kind of accepted for me. I also have a lesson to prepare, a house to clean, shopping to do and a meal to plan. The family is going to a baptism this afternoon and Melissa wants her skirt taken in before her first dance tonight. I think I could handle it all if I wasn't trying to take care of Roy.
The percocet makes Roy loopy and helpless. Still I will take that over what almost happened. His surgery went very well. The Doctor called it "text book". They waited to come and get me until he was in his room so I had several hours to do school work. After had eaten they gave him some vicodin for the pain. Within a few minutes he started coughing and saying that his throat hurt. Then he complained that it felt like it was closing up. Before long we had 3 nurses in the room trying to figure out what was going on. The only thing that helped a little was feeding him ice chips. After a call to the Doctor and they decide it was a reaction to the medication so he was given benadryl. With in 10 minutes he was better. He has taken vicodin before but now he appears to be allergic to it. The nurse didn't want to leave the room after that until I reassured her that I would call at the first sign of more trouble. As always, I handled it fine at the time but when I got home that night, I broke down. He came home to the couch Friday and will probably be there for a few days.
Lots to do and not much time gotta run!
It's Easter Saturday. The kids are outside running off their sugar high. We do baskets of goodies and our egg hunt today to help us focus on the importance of Easter on Sunday. Last night we dyed eggs at 9:00pm. That was too late for me to be genuinely patient with small children but we were up against a deadline and all my big people were out of the house. Ryan and Audrey were at a party and Tyler, Neal and Melissa were at another party. Finally, Roy was recuperating in bed, but that doesn't change much he has never participated in egg dying. Blake (age 12) was the oldest at home and little Lydia (1 yr) was trying to crack them all. I think it has been 12 years since there have only been 6 kids home coloring eggs. Even so we all 6 colors going constantly.
I am speaking in church tomorrow. I wasn't sure I would have time to properly prepare but Roy kind of accepted for me. I also have a lesson to prepare, a house to clean, shopping to do and a meal to plan. The family is going to a baptism this afternoon and Melissa wants her skirt taken in before her first dance tonight. I think I could handle it all if I wasn't trying to take care of Roy.
The percocet makes Roy loopy and helpless. Still I will take that over what almost happened. His surgery went very well. The Doctor called it "text book". They waited to come and get me until he was in his room so I had several hours to do school work. After had eaten they gave him some vicodin for the pain. Within a few minutes he started coughing and saying that his throat hurt. Then he complained that it felt like it was closing up. Before long we had 3 nurses in the room trying to figure out what was going on. The only thing that helped a little was feeding him ice chips. After a call to the Doctor and they decide it was a reaction to the medication so he was given benadryl. With in 10 minutes he was better. He has taken vicodin before but now he appears to be allergic to it. The nurse didn't want to leave the room after that until I reassured her that I would call at the first sign of more trouble. As always, I handled it fine at the time but when I got home that night, I broke down. He came home to the couch Friday and will probably be there for a few days.
Lots to do and not much time gotta run!
Friday, April 15, 2011
It's Raining
They say when it rains it pours. No kidding. This week it's rained ear infections, throwing up, coughing, talent show, 2nd grade concert, whining water pipes, big graphic design project, 2 tests and a 10 page essay. That's the big stuff everything else seems minor.
It is a huge relief to have the paper written. I have researched, written and talked about the topic so much that I wasn't sure what to write. I didn't want to rewrite everything else I'd already done and put it all together. But I wasn't sure what to do. I'd always hated doing outlines but was an outline that saved me. As I started to write the paper (I started 3 times) I felt like I was wandering all over the place. Trying to tie one idea to another was difficult. I could have gone on and on with personal feelings and experiences but this was a research essay. Once I started jotting down ideas and then putting those ideas in order everything fell into place. I had to remind myself that just because I had researched it I didn't need to put it in the paper. It's like the lessons I teach on Sunday. I always have prepared way more than what I teach. I am so exhausted from the effort that I am not sure it is a really good paper but I will have next week to review it and hopefully I will receive helpful advise from the peer review board. There is still time for excellence if I haven't reached it yet.
I don't know how I would have done this without Roy's support. He has been home this week and it has saved my life. Even better, he has a new appreciation for what I do.
Music is drifting up the stairs. The kids are rehearsing I'd better go coach them.
It is a huge relief to have the paper written. I have researched, written and talked about the topic so much that I wasn't sure what to write. I didn't want to rewrite everything else I'd already done and put it all together. But I wasn't sure what to do. I'd always hated doing outlines but was an outline that saved me. As I started to write the paper (I started 3 times) I felt like I was wandering all over the place. Trying to tie one idea to another was difficult. I could have gone on and on with personal feelings and experiences but this was a research essay. Once I started jotting down ideas and then putting those ideas in order everything fell into place. I had to remind myself that just because I had researched it I didn't need to put it in the paper. It's like the lessons I teach on Sunday. I always have prepared way more than what I teach. I am so exhausted from the effort that I am not sure it is a really good paper but I will have next week to review it and hopefully I will receive helpful advise from the peer review board. There is still time for excellence if I haven't reached it yet.
I don't know how I would have done this without Roy's support. He has been home this week and it has saved my life. Even better, he has a new appreciation for what I do.
Music is drifting up the stairs. The kids are rehearsing I'd better go coach them.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Decisions
Since my last blog a major decision has been made. We are staying. Friday afternoon just as Roy was finishing a prayer about whether or not to accept the job offer in Sacramento the phone rang. It was Farmer's Insurance offering him a job here as a claims manager. We spent the rest of the day discussing the pros and cons of the two jobs. This job will not pay as much as the one in California but with the cost of living difference taken into account there won't be much of a difference. We will need to pinch our pennies but if Roy had not resigned our budget would be the same.
The job could be considered a step down, or a lateral move which is a little disappointing but the upside is he is getting out of sales. He is very good at sales and there is more money there but, he has never enjoyed it. He thought he had been away from claims for too long to go back but, since several people he had worked with before vouched for him they not only considered him but decided to hire him and retrain him. The hours will be much better for family. He won't have the flexibility to set his own hours but he will be working only 45 hours a week instead of the 60 he has been working the last few years.
From my side, I will have to get creative about child care for the last few weeks of school. It is such a relief not to worry about relocating. I spent the whole day Tuesday, helping Roy clean out his office and bringing home anything I want to keep. After that I am not sure how I would have handled the strain of juggling my life, having him gone and trying to move.
When we were considering moving I started cleaning out and Roy rented a dumpster. It was delivered yesterday and we filled it by dinnertime. How crazy is that? Fourteen people and thirteen years can collect a lot of trash! We have also made 4 trips to Good Will. I feel lighter and freer having all of that gone. There is still more to go through but the big decisions have been made and I am feeling good.
The job could be considered a step down, or a lateral move which is a little disappointing but the upside is he is getting out of sales. He is very good at sales and there is more money there but, he has never enjoyed it. He thought he had been away from claims for too long to go back but, since several people he had worked with before vouched for him they not only considered him but decided to hire him and retrain him. The hours will be much better for family. He won't have the flexibility to set his own hours but he will be working only 45 hours a week instead of the 60 he has been working the last few years.
From my side, I will have to get creative about child care for the last few weeks of school. It is such a relief not to worry about relocating. I spent the whole day Tuesday, helping Roy clean out his office and bringing home anything I want to keep. After that I am not sure how I would have handled the strain of juggling my life, having him gone and trying to move.
When we were considering moving I started cleaning out and Roy rented a dumpster. It was delivered yesterday and we filled it by dinnertime. How crazy is that? Fourteen people and thirteen years can collect a lot of trash! We have also made 4 trips to Good Will. I feel lighter and freer having all of that gone. There is still more to go through but the big decisions have been made and I am feeling good.
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