Tears

As a child I had been taught not to cry.  As an adult I seldom cried. Then my mother passed away 7 months ago and I felt as though part of my personality changed dramatically.  I was often crying. Not just about my mother, but over anything touching, or sad.  I kept wondering if this was something permanent or temporary.  If it was temporary how long would it last, six months, one year? Is this just part of the grieving process?  Recently, I felt as though this phase of my life was ending and I was returning to who I was.  I was still a little more sensitive which was probably good, but my reactions were not as dramatic and tearful as they were a few months ago.  Yesterday changed everything.

Bill's funeral was yesterday.  I went alone.  Roy couldn't get off time from his new job and the children didn't feel as though they could miss school.  Audrey was off work but she had a paper to write so she stayed home with the little ones.  I thought that would be fine I often go places alone and there would be plenty of friends I could sit with.  I wasn't prepared for what I experienced.

The first person I saw when I walked into the building was Kathy Jones.  I hadn't seen her since my mother died.  She helped by sister and I dress my mother for her burial.  That started the thoughts and emotions flowing.  I then walked into the room for the viewing.  Teri (one of Bill's daughters) grabbed me into a big bear hug and sobbed.  Then came her daughter Sarah, red eyed and tearful needing a hug as well.  I hugged Chris the daughter who lives across the street and then Sadie.  I looked around the room full of his family.  People I have known and loved for 13 years.  I saw a son of one of Bill's sons who is in the Army and is home from Iraq temporarily.  He used to sleep over with my son.  Another grandson went to school with my son.  Jordan was there with his younger siblings and his dad and mom.  She was in high school when we moved in.  I watched him for a day shortly after he was born.  Now he is friends with one of my younger sons.  Other children and grandchildren were there who would come over to play and we would see at weddings and graduations.  We have a long close relationship with this family.  I would miss Bill, but I ached for their loss.  They were feeling so much pain.

I didn't lose it until I walked out into the foyer and say Alice there.  She works for the funeral home and was there for everything when my Mom died.  I stared to sob not just for Bill and his family but for me and my family.  For my little children who will never remember their grandma.  For my children in the middle who don't remember her the way she was before the dementia. For all of us who miss her and all of us who will miss him. I grabbed the tissues and thought, maybe this change in me is temporary and permanent.  On a daily basis I will cry less and little things will effect me less, like my old self, but my heart is forever changed to be more sensitive.  I suppose only time will tell.